Hope Springs

If we let it, history will teach us how to tie our hopes to tomorrow. mary anne radmacher

I am not given to melancholia or regret or much self pity. "It is what it is" is pretty real for me and so is finding the joy in the day.

I went to the movies alone the other night as I often do. It is a locally owned, nearby movie theatre and tickets are five dollars. I kinda like to go by myself and sit alone even if I am the only one in the whole big lot of cushy seats. I like romance and comedy, a little action, short films and animation. I love kids movies most of the time. I love popcorn and salt though I gave up the greasy movie theatre butter long ago.

Hope Springs. That is the title of the movie I went alone to the other night. Hope Springs. I shoulda seen it comin.

I knew the actors were Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones- no youngsters. And I knew they were married and needing a little help getting the umph back in their relationship. So, I shoulda known it would make me sad. I shoulda known it would make me miss Dennis even after 15 years.

Marriage. A Long Marriage. That is what we wanted just like Meryl and Tommy in the movie. Grow Old Along with Me. They were our vows and we grew- oh how we grew- together, only we didn't get to the old part. He was - we were - 47 when he died. We wanted more time to get to the old part.

History and Lorelai Glimore have taught me to wallow. Not wallowing, not being present to the circumstances and the emotions that make me want to wallow in the first place, makes me cranky, so, I came home and wallowed. I wallowed in missing him. I wallowed in minding being alone. I wallowed in new grief and old grief revisited. I wallowed myself right into bed and cried. Then I fell asleep, and as it does, morning came.

A new morning. A morning full of light and the chance to love some more. Maybe not Dennis but Dennis' and my kids and their kids. Life. The blue sky and the big dipper. There is so very much to love and loving Dennis helped me recognize that and stop and DO it. Loving is active. It takes time and attention. Loving is worth not only the possibility of loss, but the loss itself. Loving is the foundation and the cherry on top all at the same time. Loving is what ties our hopes to tomorrow. Cuz we all know that wallowing only lasts so long, and then, Joy comes in the morning and from there, Hope Springs.