Hope Springs

If we let it, history will teach us how to tie our hopes to tomorrow. mary anne radmacher

I am not given to melancholia or regret or much self pity. "It is what it is" is pretty real for me and so is finding the joy in the day.

I went to the movies alone the other night as I often do. It is a locally owned, nearby movie theatre and tickets are five dollars. I kinda like to go by myself and sit alone even if I am the only one in the whole big lot of cushy seats. I like romance and comedy, a little action, short films and animation. I love kids movies most of the time. I love popcorn and salt though I gave up the greasy movie theatre butter long ago.

Hope Springs. That is the title of the movie I went alone to the other night. Hope Springs. I shoulda seen it comin.

I knew the actors were Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones- no youngsters. And I knew they were married and needing a little help getting the umph back in their relationship. So, I shoulda known it would make me sad. I shoulda known it would make me miss Dennis even after 15 years.

Marriage. A Long Marriage. That is what we wanted just like Meryl and Tommy in the movie. Grow Old Along with Me. They were our vows and we grew- oh how we grew- together, only we didn't get to the old part. He was - we were - 47 when he died. We wanted more time to get to the old part.

History and Lorelai Glimore have taught me to wallow. Not wallowing, not being present to the circumstances and the emotions that make me want to wallow in the first place, makes me cranky, so, I came home and wallowed. I wallowed in missing him. I wallowed in minding being alone. I wallowed in new grief and old grief revisited. I wallowed myself right into bed and cried. Then I fell asleep, and as it does, morning came.

A new morning. A morning full of light and the chance to love some more. Maybe not Dennis but Dennis' and my kids and their kids. Life. The blue sky and the big dipper. There is so very much to love and loving Dennis helped me recognize that and stop and DO it. Loving is active. It takes time and attention. Loving is worth not only the possibility of loss, but the loss itself. Loving is the foundation and the cherry on top all at the same time. Loving is what ties our hopes to tomorrow. Cuz we all know that wallowing only lasts so long, and then, Joy comes in the morning and from there, Hope Springs.

Begin agin.

Drinking in the day. 

I have had so many "begin agains".  Like Michael Finnigan of the children's song, I strive and fail to  make consistent healthy lifestyle choices and so I must, more often than I intent to admit here, begin again, and again, and again.
Today is one of those days.  I am working with an amazing young nutritional counselor who has made me a convert to the benefit of smoothies.  I am not a smoothie fan - or so I thought.  Dairy based smoothies give me a belly ache. But...... The smoothies she recommends are whole food, fruit and vegetable smoothies.  Pear and kale, Avacado and blueberry, Apple, spinach and bananna, the choices are endless as are the "watery" base.  I am a coconut milk fan at the moment, though she encourages me to mix it up a bit. Not coconut water mind you - yuk to that - but coconut milk poured in until I have just the right icy consistency.  Then a taste test and last a spoonful of Spirulina for plant protein.  That is the spoiler for many.  The dark green slimy color it adds.  As a nurse, I see that color often and it is not appealing, so the taste test must come before adding it in. Then it is close your eyes and let the taste buds do their thing.

So, today, I force myself to whip up a smoothie to drink in this day  - this millionth beginning of something wonderful, and then I remember.  I LOVE these smoothies.  I love jump starting my engine with the whir of the blender making my icy breakfast drink.  I love the first, frosty taste test, the plop of the last bit of fiber falling into my to-go cup filled with ice cubes.  I love knowing I won't really be hungry if I carry this around with me until I go nuts for nuts - my mid morning snack. 

This is a sweltering day in upstate New York, my body is not used to or ready for this degree of heat and humidity, but alas, how much happier it is not to be carrying around a belly full of breakfast bagels. 
Yup, I will drink in this day, smoothie in hand, while I water the garden and tend the wee one and sort and pitch and pay bills, and chill with my Nook in the noonday heat.

Michael Finnegan - I'm with you - let's begin agin!!

Mr. Green

We do not see each other nearly often enough anymore.  Funny we had more time when the darlings were wee ones it seems. We have made a habit of going out to dinner when we can find a date that accomodates all three of us.  A nice habit it is  but,,,,,

I invited them to my house this time. I wanted to maintain the Spring Cleanse momentum, so I decided to cook.  Hahahahahahah.  As I planned  and shopped I realized the menu theme  - green. 
Everything I eat these days is centered around green; green smoothies and blue smoothies made green with spirulina that stains the world the color of grass but really has no where near the pungent flavor of the green beans I tried in the smoothie today (and will not add again).

My beautiful clear glass platter sitting on my beautiful green plaid tablecloth was colorful enough with hummus and carrots and apples for dipping - green of course. The crisp gorgeous deep green of Kale Chips fresh from the oven spattered with sesame seeds tasted fresh and crisp - and green.  The pale gold of spaghetti squash set off the red and green of the homemade tomato and spinach sauce.  Each of us topped the main course with a sprinkling of the few remaining kale chips. Yummmm.

The girls brought wine - ruby red - and desserts; a creamy white rice pudding and a 4 layer carrot cake that I did not eat but enjoyed the site of.  I finished the meal with a cup of green tea - earthy and warm.  I was satisfied.

Green has all kinds of meanings these days.  It is a good color scheme for a dinner with friends that you do not see often enough.

Chocolate, Pizza and Chia Seed Oatmeal

Chocolate,  Pizza and Chia Seed Oatmeal.

It has been a great ten days.  Full of fun and flavor – and success. 

A healthy spring cleanse full of greens, exotic foods never tried before and familiar ones in new combinations.  Smoothies of an entirely different kind green with spirulina, rich in vitamins and minerals.  Eight pounds of excess baggage left behind – pun intended.  It has been a great ten days.

 

I put my purse down in the nurses’ lounge. The table was covered with open boxes of candy.  Covered.  I looked at my berry delicious smoothie and took a long deep draw on the straw. Yummy.  I was satisfied.  For now.

 

Just one.  That is how it starts.  Just one.  Maple cream, my favorite.  Oh, and coconut.  I love the coconut ones.  And the mint melts in your mouth.  Enough.  I put the  veggie salad and  fresh spaghetti squash with homemade tomatoe sauce and fresh cilantro in the common fridge and begin my shift.  Oh, first I have one more chocolate.

Two hours  five patients, an ICU transfer a change of shift and a staff meeting later, Lisa Sue was on the phone.  “Pizza anyone?”

Oh, pizza, you are not my best friend, but my well planned, home made, nutritious and delicious food is still in the fridge waiting and I am busy. Pizza, how I love you in moments like this.  Warm dough, sweet sauce, meat, lots of greasy delicious meat.  I look in my purse.  “Yup, I’m in. “  I shout as I dig out the dollar bills.

I savor the hot oily flavor unique to the Italian delight.  One small piece, then two.  It is worth every mouthful.  Yup, it is.

*******

I sleep 8 full uninterrupted hours.  Eight.  Heaven.  I wander down stairs and open my friend the fridge and it is full of bright, inviting choices. Exciting choices. 

I have all the colors of the rainbow lining shelves and drawers waiting to be made into the blue and green smoothies that taste of sunshine and good health.  They invite me back into the ritual of the spring cleanse. 

I have no regrets about my choices last night. Why waste regret on something so delicious and in the end, really harmless. It is only the habit of chocolate and pizza that does you in, not the occassional indulgence.

This morning I choose a new dish.  I have soaked chia seeds and oatmeal in coconut milk.  I bake an organic apple and stir it into the gooey goodness, take my green tea and sit in a sunny corner by my computer and begin to type.  

Good Saturday morning world.

It Starts with Gratitude

God is great. God is Good and we thank him for this food. 
Said over corn flakes and PB&J, hot dogs and mac and cheese, those words, or words very similar, were repeated day after day by toothless little ones, hands folded eyes closed and then darting to see who else was looking.

And we THANK HIM for this food.  No matter how ordinary or special, how scarce or abundant, before we ate we gave thanks. A meal - usually around the family table - started with appreciation for the sun and the rain, the toil and the soil, the planting and the harvest. How joyful to give thanks.  How humbling, how centering, how right.

Tonight, without bowed heads or folded hands, Nick gave thanks at the table. In front of us was  a "cleansing " meal that she had prepared.  When she finished her simple, heartfelt prayer,  I lifted the plate of food to my nostrils.  Tangy rich aromas brought me to a halt.  The smell was astonishing.  The combination of a simple squash, a few tomatoes, a bit of cilantro and a touch of garlic and I was spiraling into joy. 

How right that we should give thanks for such riches. Thank you Nick for remembering that it starts with gratitude.

Choices

Choices parade before me in an array of color.
It is both the beginning and the end of  something; of many somethings.  Traditions. Habits.  Choices.
Last week the yellow, pink and purples of sugar covered Peeps mixed with the bold rainbow of assorted jelly beans drew me over and over to the overflowing Longaberger Easter basket sitting on the table.

Each morning for the last several weeks I have poured fifteen extra pounds  into my biggest jeans. Today as I try once again to button them up, sucking with all my might to pull in the belly that so loves the sweet sugary white frosting cross on top of deliciously buttered Lenten treats, I am relieved that Easter has passed and spring has sprung. I am delighted that, knowing where I was headed, I made a promise to myself that today I am determined to keep.  Ambivalent, but determined.

Good food and I, great, abundant, healthy, organic, locally grown or raised food and I, have had a longstanding love affair - but I am promisuous.  I dance with the devils of saturated fats and empty calories and love every dip and swirl.  I am not even discreet about it and now I am being called to task.   My inner being cringes that the indiscretions are scoring the most points.  Oh, and my pants won't zip. 

I walk the aisles of Adams Fair Acre Farms and new choices parade before me in an array of color
It is both the end and the beginning of something.

Celebrating Epiphany

I love Epiphany.  I may even love it more than I love Christmas.
It is a unigue and untainted holiday - Holy Day - of recognizing the birth of that baby in a manger as being the birth of Christ  the Saviour. 

I collect Nativities.  I think I have 19 of them and I leave them all out until January 6 as a reminder that the birth of Christ was only the beginning. 

We celebrate again on Epiphany by enjoying each and every representation I have - wood, clay, porcelain, paper, metal, resin - of the Holy Family and the Three Wise Men bringing gifts.
We talk about gift giving and receiving, about the baby Jesus, about his mother Mary and about Joseph.

This year, because Natalie Bird, one of my granddaughters, is four, we talked alot about the donkey and the sheep and especially the angels.  She was the Angel of the Lord in the Christmas pageant this year and she is very fond of the word BEHOLD.

Many years ago I began celebrating this Holy holiday with my Goddaughter Alicia.  Yesterday we celebrated with her and her two beautiful wee ones. 

God is good.
The dictionary definition of Ephphany
1capitalized: January 6 observed as a church festival in commemoration of the coming of the Magi as the first manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles or in the Eastern Church in commemoration of the baptism of Christ

2: an appearance or manifestation especially of a divine being

3a (1): a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2): an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3): an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure b: a revealing scene or moment. 

 

May your year be filled with Epiphany and with the illumination of many epiphanies. 

 

Joyfully, bevelry 

Humility

Yesterday I posted that in the year of the dragon I was planning to BE the dragon.  Well, The old adage " be careful what you ask for " is playing a majoy role in my day.  The lead part. 
I have a throat on fire. 

Interesting in our new "spiritual" age ( maybe it isn't so new but not the point ), I think a lot of us tend to try and be more open to the lessons of challenging situations.  I know I do, and perhaps the lesson is one of humility.  I may need to choose what " kind" of dragon I want to be; a loud obnoxious threatening takeembytheteeth kind or a kind hearted, stong, dragon confident yet gentle.  And maybe there is no lesson.  Maybe I simply have the common cold, a virus picked up on the grocery cart, or from a wee one. 

For today, I will humbly drink Vit C, maybe some more bourbon in my hot totty at bed time, plod along through the day knowing that even dragons get colds. 

AHHHHCHOOOO. 
bevelry

Quest

quest        

   /kwɛst/ Show Spelled[kwest]  noun

 1.a search or pursuit made in order to find or obtain something: a quest for uranium mines; a quest for knowledge.

2. Medieval Romance . an adventurous expedition undertaken by a knight or knights to secure or achieve something: the quest of the Holy Grail.

3. those engaged in such an expedition.

 

verb (used without object)

4. to search; seek (often followed by for or after ): to quest after hidden treasure.

5. to go on a quest.

 

Do you have a quest?  Are you on a quest? 

Think about that and have a wonder filled day!

Joyfully, bevelry

The Year of the Dragon

2011 was brutal.  Joyful at times, but brutal.

It ended with a sad goodbye to the best mother-in-law in the world, Shirley A. Kipp followed by one of the best Christmas ever. Shirley loved Christmas so we honored that and celebrated.

Now it is 2012 - the year of the Dragon - and the " attic project".  Step by step we are taught as children when we tackled, first walking, and later, any big project.

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott was the first book I was given about writing after my husbands death.
Now it is Box by Box. 
Elizabeth, my oldest daughter, is my partner in productivity for this massive undertaking and she has wrangled a room full of baby furniture and clothes into submission and order.

I am dancing with the Chritmas room. I have amazing and wonderful - mostly - Christmas treasures.
I am packing away only the wonderful ones.  Neatly. Labeled.
Box by Box will be the way to conquer the attic.

In 2011 the Dragon nearly killed me.

It is 2012.  I AM the dragon.
Joyfully, bevelry

Welcome to My Home 2012

In 2011 I had a new roof put on my house.  It is tremendous.  So is the bank loan, but.....
That new roof brought many unexpected gifts.

 I had to gut my attic. My attic is huge. It is the full third story of my one hundred year old house. When we bought it in 1978 it was empty and immaculate. That was a long time ago. My late husband was a reporter with many hobbies. The garage houses some still, the cellar has a few remnants but the attic holds the records of all of his genius - plus a few artifacts from his life;  his hat collection, his photographs, his drawings, and his journals - All of his journals. 

We raised four children in this house. They also had many interests and many chapters in their lives. Some of the mementos moved with them when they married and - some of them didn't.

We are readers. When our book shelves got full downstairs, we put another one in the attic  My attic has a "finished" section and an " unfinished" section. I had to move or tarp everything from first one area and then another in order to remove all the old fiberglass insulation, throw it out a window onto a porch roof, climb out on the roof, shovel it onto the driveway and then haul it away. I did it alone one dark night into the wee hours and then I hired a kid.   I love kids. They are worth every penny they get. We shoved everything we possibly could into the "finished" section. That still needs to be gutted.

In 2012 I must reinsulate my attic.  .

You get the picture. 

I need to move all of those precious and not so precious memories out of the attic before they can fill in all the nooks and crannies of the very top of this old house.

 How many unexpected treasures do you think we will find? How many tears will we shed and how much laughter will ring out? How many dump runs will we make as we sort and pitch? How many bumps and bruises will we brandish as we carry down every single item from 33 years of "putting it in the attic"?

As the rain rains down, I love my new 2011 roof.  I also love the idea that it brings with it the choice  to bring order from chaos.

Welcome to my home 2012.  I am making room for you.
Love, bevelry