Ah, the dichotomy persists.
I am blessed beyond measure. I do not live in a flood zone, my home, though in need of repairs, has not been washed away and I have a job. "What's to complain about". you might (rightly) be thinking. And yet......
Those of you who follow here, know that I have had a rough go of it lately. In fact, it has been hard to find me or my words of wit and wisdom. You do not need to know the details to empathize - everyone has a plateful of joys and woes - but know that though I am usually a rebounder, I am TIRED OF RECOVERY.
Recovery, to me, is like the stages of grief. First you are miserable and don't know why meaning doctor appointments, tests and follow up visits. Then there is a plan and you ( I ) vacillate between relief and terror. Finally, the worst is over and you are convalescent - that dastardly time when you feel perfectly well doing absolutely nothing and absolutely awful doing much of anything at all. UGHHHHH!!!.
The bear of convalescence is followed by the beast of recovery. That is the stage I am in. I am recovering. And I am grateful to be recovering from all that has gone on. I couldn't walk with a bad knee and now my knee is better, but it requires a lot of attention still. I couldn't hold water in my hands and now I can work full time, but my hands don't stir a batch of cookies like they used to and really don't like clothespins and they require a lot of attention to get better. My neck was a mess of bone spurs and ickyness and now it is full of study metal rods and nuts and bolts making it stronger than ever but I am still in PT twice a week. You get the picture.
So, more than a year has passed and , hummmmm, I am still recovering.
Now, you should know that I am blessed to have amazing medical players on my team; kind, thoughtful, skilled players who I enjoy and respect and appreciate and they were all pulling for me as I recovered. Then, I lost control of my car in the rain and traveled across oncoming traffic. The blessings: I drive a Volvo ( or I used to ) and it is a tank that takes a hit like no other, I was alone ( I often am driving one or the other of my granddarlings ), I didn't even have the car seat in the car ( which would have needed to be replaced after an impact that serious), I had my seat belt on and the airbags deployed - causing most of my injuries, but probably saving my life - not a small thing to be grateful for, AND the car that hit me drove me away from the pole I was headed toward - I think. I was stunned as I sat in the hot smokey car holding my neck and moaning. Even all of my positive thinking caregivers were speechless, reverting to the incredulous REALLY? and the rarely heard from them OMG!!! Still, clearly, blessings abound, just what is my complaint??????
I AM TIRED OF RECOVERY !!!!! That is my complaint. I am tired of vacillating between self pity and gratitude -truthfully, I don't have the energy for either, but....... here I am, soooooo, what am I gonna do while I recover some more.
Well, as I told the ambulance driver on my way to the trauma center, first I am gonna whine - that is what you are reading here and now; my whining rant against the world and my plight in it, and then........
Well, now that that part is over, I am gonna keep putting one foot in front of the other until self pity is taken over by gratitude with or without my energy. That is my plan.
And the execution of that plan includes you, the readers of my blog which has been woefully neglected while I was sick, had surgery, went through convalescence and landed in recovery. I am going to write - not whine, but write, my joys and sorrows. I am going to plan the next Radmacher Focus Phrase™ and post it in the next few days. I am going to walk my dog every single day rain or shine. I am going to live the life that was spared and recognize the joy that recovery, that dastardly time when you are not 100% and self pity and gratitude are duking it out , has to offer.
One of the three other Focus Phrase Phraseologists, Ellen Lambert, ends each of her wonderful daily posts this way - Soldier On, so I am gonna take her advice. I am going to soldier on through recovery and perhaps one day soon I will look in the mirror and discover, to my own amazement, that I am in the last stage - JOY. I am counting on it. AND I am counting on your company along the way so.....
Have a joy filled day, and stay tuned for the next Focus Phrase course to be offered so we can " Soldier, On " together.
beverly a kipp, Radmacher Phraseologist, Lay Minister, Nurse, Mother, Friend, Writer, Public Speaker, gramma bevy and much much more than just recoverer.
You can find Ellen Lambert, Caren Albers and the originator of Focus Phrase on Face Book at
A New Way - Radmacher Focus Phrase™
